that light

I have good memories of Lent growing up--if that is something I can say. I like lent to this day--if that is somethings I can say. I think ministry drives me to lent--if that is something I can say.

When I was a kid, in my home church, on Good Friday, they performed a liturgical move to this day that I cannot figure out. After the altar was stripped they liturgicalizers that be would darken the lights in the whole sanctuary and then lights in the form of a cross would light up from somewhere. I remember checking later on in life and not being able to figure out how, from the fancy altar and backdrop, there came these lights. Well, they're memorable moments anyways. I also remember them acting out the passion play and making thunder by shaking and hitting a piece of sheet metal. I wasn't big on THe Passion of the Christ, but there is somethings about Holy Week that draws me deeply in. I suppose after 4 years of seminary I should know what that is, huh?

I like lent because it is honest. It is simple. It is bare. It is fair and proportional to life (at least honest to the human situation). It is palpable (as a tribute to Ross).

And yes, ministry drives me to lent. I am not sure if you understand what I mean when I write 'stripped bare' but that is what ministry does to me. Because, you see, I think people know when I say things or teach things I don't mean. I think people know when I am tired. I think they know when I am blowing smoke or making smoke. I think what I mean is that even when I am trying my best I am driven to the point every day when I feel that I have to pray, "dear God, what was that? Might you use that to touch lives?" I have mentioned this before, but it is worth saying again--the deepest challenge of pastoral ministry from my perspective is that you are asked to do a wide breadth of tasks, some, truthfully that you are not very good at. AND that taked a lot of trust and faith to keep plugging forward. Truth told, you give it all you got, and then you pray there is more than you got.

All in all I am starting to presume (as I read what I write) that one can develop an ego problem in ministry. There is a lot written about dominating personality/ego, but what about when, in any vocational situation, you happen to lose part of 'the self'--?

Ok, this is all very honest, but that is what lent does, right? Some eat fish sandwiches at Mc D's, and some get honest. I am excited to see how this will emerge into some good insight. And yes, I already miss the mountains after only two weeks.